Turning this into a game, how long I can survive.  Will get contracts and sales where I can, but no momentous effort allocated.

In focus room, need to focus and be centered in where I’m going.  Sent CV and Statement to a winery manager, just for giggles and an enjoyable eye-roll.

Looking for no approval other than my own…. Writing my way to a new way.

Talking to this day’s Mike Madigan draft.  How to elevate.  Don’t wait for that email, I tell myself.  Keep going.  See SELF as a small business.  Kindness from a colleague the other day still has me a bit buzzed, and in the best way.

Rain outside has me feeling grateful, deciding to STOP.  Certain talk, reacting to some inept hogs that are gratified by their own pester-practice.  Telling myself, “Look at where you are, where you’re sitting.  Remembering yesterday, the Nurse getting here and our dinner with the kids.  Pizza, salad, a Pinot for the Nurse and I and whatever the kids wanted.  Well, that’s not true, we said they could have milk or water.  That was their selection scape.

Think I might have talked myself out of my own tired.  I think… then it comes back.  The idea of  a documentary…. Writing and pictures, some video.  Nurse and I hiking that mountain at Piña Adobe last weekend, the cat in the bed just staring back at me as if to say, “Soooooo, this is goinggggggggg, where?”

The Nurse… her character and story.  Want to write more about it and turn up the lens strength on certain specifics but more intensively I’m committed to respecting her and her Story.  How I react though, as a reader like one of my past students and not quoting or citing the molecular – Awe, honestly.  Her strength, more than just a resilience just a sharp and almost-cold commitment to making something happen.

She once said to me, that she said furrowed to another, “Tell me I can’t, I’ll prove you wrong every time.” 

Find I’m saying the same thing now.  And not to others, but to that goddamn negative voice that often storms in my view of the world surrounding.

Self-blessing today’s MJM (me) with a lovely case of the fuck-it’s.