Already mid-October. Strange, but beautiful. Yesterday with a significant rain, the first in I can’t remember how long. Relaxing day with kids. Emma excited about her last game, Jack enjoying his day off, and Henry falling asleep after his appointment. Me looking at them and seeing them grow, so fast that I’m spun around and dizzy but somehow encouraged by it.
No more of that fear, or sliver of sadness.
This week, crucial for this writer. On more levels and than I have time to address here.
Espresso helping, none of that fog I felt yesterday after a broken sleep.
Looking at one thing, then another. Nurse referring to me as Professor yesterday when she called. She always does that, but this time it felt different.
I am getting back to the classroom, one way or another. And this is not just talk. Not something said in the moment. This is something, a move, that I have to actuate and make material.
I will. I already have. Starting with the I AM tattoo.
Conviction, certainty, like my dad who seems to just make things happen. But he doesn’t… he is organized and formatted, methodical.
Putting SELF in more a Stoic strut, sensibility.
Notebook on me, all times today. Even at the Nurse’s house, with the kids. Keep the notes falling to page.
08:24…. Espresso. No dairy so no latte. Swearing off the latte, at least for a bit. Worked out a little earlier with weights. Changing habits and ways, getting to where I need be. Fuck, why did I ever leave. Why did I stray, and become unfaithful to my visions and dreams and wishes.
Unacceptable. Writing in this journal and looking up every so often to see Emma and Henry in the loft. Hard to concentrate with the TV noise and how cute they both are there, relaxed cozy and safe in their home with their Dad, overcast outside, Fall finally showing itself.
Listening to Sedaris read his journal entries driving to Emma’s game yesterday. His story fascinates me on so many heights and with such rich experience and expression. What he went through, and reached his place. FREEDOM.
Haven’t talked to my sister in a while. Harvest, I know, but that’s over. She texted me the other night of course to let me know about her engagement, but nothing really since. Wonder what she’s doing, what she’s up to. She speaks of wine like it’s some force, some entity to be not so much understood but explored…. Me, with my wine exploration last night going back to Pinot, one from the Oliver’s label.
Surprised how believable it was, how artful nd animated, enjoyable… like it really had something to say. Conviction— No, PURPOSE. Imagine that. Mark yesterday urging me to honor myself more, and if something doesn’t fulfill me regularly then onto the next.
How timely. His words always hit with very focused and intentional octave.
08:41….. Need more espresso. Maybe. This cup is stronger than usual, at least it seems that way.