10/9/18

Finding I can’t keep up with what I write and posting.  Can’t post quick enough, or I write too much too fast.  Have time to gather what thoughts I have after this busy, busy day.  I do find I’m overthinking more than I possibly ever have, and I wonder why, why am I doing that.  No answer, so I breathe deep, deeper again, think about my wine novel, or wine novel idea, and writing, and teaching, and there I go.  There I go into a thought cyclone and wondering which something I’ll pick.  49 minutes to self in the conference room, teaching myself to be singular.  Writing out things I want done tonight, by tonight’s end.  There, done.  Well, I wrote them in my head, anyway.  Seriously I did.  Empty the backpack which I didn’t do yesterday or the day before as I hoped I would.  Post some past paragraphs to blog, clean home office, grade papers… oh my god those papers, frightening me.  The stack now more of a skyscraper, just gets bigger and bigger, yes intimidating me and I have no idea how to attack it.  Why do I let this happen literally every semester?  Why am I still teaching in this orthodox, institutional sense?  How come I’m not yet independent with my lectures and thoughts on journaling, writing, essay writing, Sylvia Plath and Jack Kerouac, poetry?  Enough with that, that line of thinking if you could even call that thinking.  I don’t.  I won’t.

Rubbing eyes again, picking up coffee cup to see how much I have left from the dose I took from Sonic.  Not enough, really…. Or maybe too much.  The book taking shape in my head, about the tasting room and teaching, where I am and— feel like I’ve written this before.  Fuck, I know I have.  Mom always urges singularity in my writing.  One thing. Then I stress the same in class to students. Then, what do you know I actuate none of what I advocate.  I should just write about wine.  That’s it.  Haven’t written about a singular offering in a while.  Hard to keep up with that, too.  Am I a writer or not?  Tonight I’m doubting myself.  Department Chair asking me how I’m doing and do I still have a house living in Coffey Park even though I’ve told her twice that I still do, then I start talking and talking and re-living the whole thing.  Need a glass of wine.  No bullshit, I’m going to meet with students briefly, then go get a glass of wine somewhere, and write about it.

Can’t post quick enough, I began this post.  But maybe I will if it’s just about wine. If I write everything about wine and post it here, edit minimally…. I want a Cab.  Whatever Cab they have at Whole Foods in Coddingtown, in that beer room or tap room.  Will people look at me funny if I order wine in a tap room?  Who cares.  I’m a wine writer.  It’s my job.  Or, it is now.  Gathering thoughts, trying my best to organize then and be centered, approaching 40, breathe deep, again deeper.  There.  I’m there.  I think.  Jesus Christ I hope I am this time.

Used to many times go to the Fountaingrove Hilton and have a glass of wine before heading home.  Just sip an SB, or Pinot, sometimes Cab, and do a little writing in the lobby area, or that entrance walkway to the bar and restaurant.  One year ago, today.  All of it happened.  The night of the 9th Mom, Dad, and I fled to Katie’s house in Sonoma to get away from approaching fires only to have to leave the next day.  Don’t want to talk about it, only wine.  Wine.  Old friend observing class so no early dismiss.  Good.  Need to stay in character.  Looking for ideas in one of the old journals I have with me.  Notes on wine, more wine, more notes and flavor suggestions from Pinot, to a Rhône blend, to a couple Chardonnays.  

This should be interesting.